I read something on Facebook the other day that has hung around in the back of mind all week. It was a quote from former college football phenom and current charlatan Tim Tebow. I don't remember the exact verbiage, and don't really want to go down the rathole to find it. It basically said the more that you trust in God the less you will be disappointed or surprised in life. Which is all well and good if it helps Tebow sell overpriced memorabilia to political candidates courting the evangelical vote. The rest of us live in the real world and have to reconcile that maybe a trust in a higher power is often squandered in heartache and tragedy.
The two assumptions that I encounter the most these days are that I must have some degree of anger in my life, whether that be with Melly, or Matthew, or her doctors, or whatever, and, second, that if I can somehow accept and talk to God that this will be magically better. Both of these assumptions represent what our culture has taught us to expect from loss and mourning. There is this notion that I can follow a simple five step path through denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Somewhere in there God is supposed to appear and make it all better. What I can tell you is that the notion of a simple process is crap. There is no process. It's just a bunch of shit that happens. You deal with it actively and hopefully come out the other side ok.
In terms of anger, I haven't felt much except when it comes to talking about God. When it comes to God I find myself dealing with a lot of frustration, angst, and in some cases outright anger. It is hard to tell for certain if these thoughts are toward God specific or the people that are trying to push their ideologies on me. My issue with this Tebow notion of God is that it glosses over the ugliness. It rounds off all of the edges. It pushes us to "accept" what comes our way as "grace" and "purpose" and takes away the opportunity for a deeper understanding and compassion towards the world. It promotes the Disney-fied idea of "angel-versaries" without any critical thinking. It settles for the intellectually lazy conclusion that that "God did it" without asking why it was done.
Here is where it gets very complicated. I think that there is a lot that God needs to answer for, even if fault/responsibility cannot be assigned. My fundamental issue is how this can happen to someone in the prime of her life and at the peak of her spirit. That is the question that I would like answered, but that I don't think can be. So, I live in this world, with God but without Dogma. If there are words to be had between God and I, we can have them; but I feel like I have said all I need to say to God for a lifetime.
This idea that I have said all I need to is made all the harder because so many of us are taught that we aren't supposed to feel that. We are told that it is somehow a "sin" to be angry at God. Fuck that. Because here's the thing, God is big enough to take my anger. I may not be big enough to "turn the other cheek", but God sure as shit better be. If God is petty enough to hold my anger against me, than that goes against the definition of a higher power doesn't it?
Which leads to - I do see and feel both Melly and Matthew's spirits in my life each and every day. When I feel them, even in the hard times, I am thankful for their presence, thankful to know that they are near me. I am so happy for the time we had together, but do not necessarily think that time is over because they both live inside my heart and will always be a part of me. If that is feeling God in my life in the form of love, I can accept that.