At least once a day, usually in the early mornings, a question comes in to my head. It usually arrives with some melancholy and lingers in the back of my mind for several hours. It doesn't need to be answered. It likely cannot be answered. It cuts right to my core and requires me to be honest with myself. It is not a threatening question, nor is it a question that causes me dread or to contemplate harming myself. Rather, it is a question that I hope will drive my thoughts and goals in the years to come. The question - do I really want to be here?
Let's get this out of the way. This is not a cry for help, nor should it be interpreted as me contemplating any irreversible moves. This is different than that. This is more constructive, less fundamental. It is more question of am I doing what I want to be doing with my life. If not then what do I want to be doing? Am I honoring Melissa? Would she be proud of me? Am I being true to myself? Am I helping or hurting myself or others? On some level I think we all deal with this question and its children everyday. I am hearing it with greater force these because the volume has been turned down on everything else.
I can't answer the question right now. I just can't. I am too burnt out to have a high capacity for joy. Simple things like listening to a cranked stereo, driving one of my jalopies, or walking the dogs brings peace and relief. That is nice, but it is not happiness. At least not yet.
There is a hole in my life that may not ever be filled, the way that a hole dug in the ground will always leave a depression when the dirt is replaced. The easy answer is to try to put more in to replace what was taken, but I don't have a quarry to draw from right now. Without joy, everything tastes like ash. I am tired of being a sad bastard. I think some of you may be tired of it too. I'd like to be able to flip a switch and go back to "Mr. Easy Going". With something like this, I don't know.
So the question lingers, the question persists. Where do I want to go? How do I get there, and do you have a map I can borrow?