*orignailly posted to Facebook on 7/12/16
It is important to remember that there will be highs and lows with this. Yesterday was the first day I was able to get a few hours to myself since everything happened. I don't know the words to describe it accurately. There are moments where you can feel utterly alone in a crowded room and moments where you feel the whole world with you when you are alone on a trail in the desert.
I took a few hours of solitude yesterday afternoon on the trails around Piestewa. It was helpful to clear my mind and to start looking for my path again. That is not to say I need or want solitude, just that there is a quiet healing power to it. Solitude is as important as the crowd, because in solitude we can hear our own selves speak clearly.
Those of you that knew Melly at ASU know about her Master's thesis. Her focus was on the role of wilderness in our lives, and how the duality between society and the wild reflects dualities in all of us. Nobody is just one thing or the other; and we are all not as different from one another as this cruel world may pretend.
I have been so focused on the 'keeping busy' and trying to avoid the hurt that I overlooked something so fundamental to this experience. Namely, that the hurt is the wilderness, and it is the wilderness that makes us who we are. The wilderness helps us understand, appreciate, and love each other by reminding us that none of us are alone. Alone can be ok and essential at times, but together is better.
I will be forever grateful to everyone who has reached out to me and Melissa's family. I am looking forward to seeing those who can make it Saturday, and those who cannot I understand and hope we can meet up sometime soon.