I can never predict which days are going to hit me and which aren't. You would expect that Father's Day would be one of those days circled on the calendar with red ink. Funny thing about it though, it feels like a normal Sunday.
I woke up, fed some dogs and cats, fed myself, watched Meet the Press until I got bored, played some old school Nintendo with a friend for a while, then did some chores. A normal Sunday. I'm sad, about my friend Bob, about what could have been, but I'm not going to let it ruin an otherwise nice day. The trick, as I learned on Mother's Day, is to stay away from Facebook. Not today. As tempting as it may be, no good is going to come from it for me. That is not to say that I'm not happy for all of my friends and family, and their celebration today. It's just not where my head is at.
I've had several people reach out to during the course of the day. To check in. To wish me a happy Father's Day. I appreciate all of the love, and I welcome the opportunity to catch up with everyone. Between the general shitiness of the past week, this weekend, next weekend's wedding anniversary, and then the one-year mark, I've built up a little wall around myself and the world. I'm aware of it, and I'm trying to break through it, but it hasn't been easy. It's far simpler to live life at a distance, lest something hurt me, than it is to get down into the sticky mess of it all. It's one thing to admit to myself and the world that I wish I were spending my evening holding a 7-month old baby and watching a Sunday night baseball game, it's something altogether different to write a blog post extolling advice about avoiding triggers by staying away from social media.
I guess where I am going with all of this is: I am generally doing ok with everything. I am not in a place where I am quite ready to look forward to things. But I am trying to get there. I was reminded this week, in one of the harshest ways possible, that you cannot take anything for granted in this life. Living life to avoid reminders and no remembrance is no way to live. Likewise, embracing sadness and regret without seeing the brighter horizons means it will constantly be a moonless night with no dawn. You have to somehow shoot the middle, remember the good, let go of the bad, and be open to what is around the bend. Along the way, enjoy the quiet Sunday mornings and maybe set a few new Tetris high scores.