A good friend of mine told me recently that now is the time to be kind to myself. The events of last summer still cut fresh, surprising me in a thousand little ways. There are, in turn, a thousand different ways that I can react. I've spent the better part of the past year adjusting to this new reality and learning what it means to be happy and whole. Much of that work felt under threat earlier this month. Returning home after leaving town to be with Melissa's family for the anniversary felt more like entering a time capsule than a place of comfort. It was a cosmic mirror held up to the state of my world, and I didn't really like what I saw. A part of me has felt like I have been hanging on too tight, and part of me like I haven't been holding on tight enough. In short, it has felt like being stuck between two worlds.
This has been on mind a lot lately. The question of how to find love and honor in memory, while making sure that I am not missing out on life. The question is forcing me to reevaluate the people and things in my life right now. Am I being true and fair to them? Am I being true and fair to myself? It has me reconsidering long held beliefs about loyalty, faith, love, life, and death.
The internal discussion is starting to resolve itself. The first step being a rededication to the pursuit of happiness. To which end, has me starting to make changes to the world that surrounds me. It's time to let somethings go so that what is left behind can shine more. It has started simple, changing out pictures on the walls. We'll see where it goes from there.
I had a bit of a revelation last night, as I lay in bed thinking about the past year and the days to come. Specifically, that it is time to live actively for the future again, that it is time to rededicate myself anew to the things that make me happy, and to the optimism of a new sunrise. The resolution made me feel young again for the first time in a long time, and has brought me some peace this morning. It does not mean that I can or will let go of the life that has come before, I do not want to because it made me who I am today. Rather it means that I will build upon it to find peace and happiness again.