Every now and again, if you're lucky and can accept hearing it, someone holds a mirror up for you to see a different perspective. That happened for me this morning. It's not a great story for me, as I come across as a little "out of it". Genius at work, or something. What happened was this: My house cleaner was looking in the pantry for more plastic bags for trash. Instead she found a bag of Tostitos pushed towards the back of the bottom shelf. She briefly mentioned it as she was leaving, but I had been out in the sun all morning, draining and cleaning the pool. I didn't pick up on what she said, because it didn't make sense, and I was too tired to try to figure it out.
About 12 hours later, as I was winding down for the evening, I opened the pantry, and there in the middle of the shelf in front of me was a bag of Tostitos. I stood there, confused, trying to figure out where they came from. Had a friend dropped them off? Did the cleaner forget them when she left?
The expiration date is August 24th. No year listed. That's odd. Unless they think if you've got you're shit together enough to buy Tostitos, you at least know what year you bought them. These have to be new right?
When was the last time I bought Tostitos?
Then it hit me.
Melly had bought them the week she died.
It was the Fourth of July week, and they had a 2 for 1 special. She had opened the first bag. Now long since eaten or thrown away.
I remember she opened that first bag, because I remember opening the microwave the day after she died and seeing her half eaten lunch from the day before. An egg sandwich on toasted Ezekiel bread, with three bites out of it. It was on a green plate, with a side of Tostitos.
For a while I had kept that second bag of Tostitos in the pantry. I kept it because I wanted to keep and freeze literally everything after she died. In time the bag made its way to the bottom of the pantry. It sat there until this morning. Remembering the 2nd bag, and everything else associated with it, used to utterly destroy me. In time the blows lessen. They still hurt, but they don't feel as fatal.
The Tostitos made me think about the blog, and the story of my past two years. They made me realize how tight I am trying to hold things in place. Finding that bag of chips put me in a mind to think about the other things I'm holding on to too tightly, like this platform, and how that can be diluting or distracting from the good things in my world. With that thought in mind, I am going to take a brief hiatus from this blog. I will revisit from time to time, because I think something may be profound, or because I am on a really long flight. If we're friends on facebook, I'll continue to link to the blog there when new content appears.
It's time. I want to try something new for a little while. When I have the new project up I'll let everyone know.
I will leave you now with a video that I think sums up our experiences together pretty well. A cat, cleaning himself, listening to Bob Dylan.
Until next time. //